Learn how to say No!
Posted: Friday, August 01, 2008
by LeahG Artist
Cartoon & Illustration Services
Saying no can be a source of stress for many people so much so that they build up a fear of being asked anything in case they have to say no or worse they comply reluctantly.
I am a people watcher and one thing I have noticed over the years is the way that people deal with requests and how they say 'no'.
I am always very impressed by people who can say no without causing offence or assuming a guilty position for having to say no. I myself do say 'no' but feel very uncomfortable doing so and over the years I have tried to teach myself how to say no without feeling guilty, without defending myself and most importantly without causing offence so that I and the person making the request remain friends.
Less is more, do not defend your decision with a multitude of reasons, as this will always give an impression of 'me thinks thou doest protect too much' and the receiver of your no will wonder what you are hiding, what you haven't said and what the heck your problem is!
Preparation is also key. If you find you can't say no to requests for your time and always feel over burdened and perhaps taken advantage of, then prepare in advance some quick answers to the requests you already know are coming your way.
For example:
They say:
'can you do xyz for me please?'
You reply:
'I would, but I have too much on at the moment, have you thought about asking B?'
If this person persists as they know you are a soft touch and may cave under pressure
You reply:
'I tell you what if you can do this for me...
then list a LOT of chores
I will gladly do this for you'
Only use this though if you are genuinely happy to trade chores. But chances are the asker will NOT be happy to trade. Which brings me to the next point
Ask your self : 'is this person considering me with this request?'
If the answer is 'no', then you have no need to feel guilty at all about saying no. They are not considering you thus you do not need to feel obliged to consider them.
Example:
'Can I smoke in your car?'
Easy answer
I'd rather you didn't, thank you for asking before lighting up. I appreciate it.'
The person has shown consideration by asking you before they light up BUT if they were truly considerate they would not think it acceptable they make your upholstery smell or pollute your lungs in such a small confined space. When they ask before they light up, they are thinking first of themselves and then being 'polite'. Thus you do not need to feel guilty for considering your needs first and then being 'polite' in your refusal.
Also feel free to ask them to do something for you once in a while! If they feel the requests are going to be two way that may in itself reduce their frequency of requests.
While looking at strategies for being more effective at saying no, what is the psychology behind our reluctance to say no?
I have a theory that it stems from childhood, and that as children when we say no to our parents we are scolded. The result of which is that we grow up with a subconscious aversion to saying the word 'no'. I recommend we are thus very careful how we respond to our children when they refuse our requests. Ask your self how important it is that they fulfill our request and why are they saying no? What we do not want to teach them is that saying 'no' in itself is negative and that as adults all requests have to be accommodated.
Note that people also have a strange respect for people who do say no. Perhaps due to the old adage that 'nothing worth having is obtained easily', or perhaps just that they are unaccustomed to hearing it. But if we continue with my theory above, perhaps when someone tells them 'no' subconsciously we are reminded of our parents and other authority figures who said no to us when we were children. These figures commanded respect and yet were also providers, so perhaps when we hear 'no' we place that person saying it in that 'position' of parent, authority, provider role and thus respect the decision and accept it.
Thus you have nothing to fear by saying no, you may actually benefit from it!
I still have a long way to go myself before I feel completely comfortable with saying no, but I believe that a healthy self esteem, confidence and appreciation of self is an integral part of protecting your own self interests.
This article is not intended to turn us all into selfish, unhelpful people, far from it. It is more for those people pleasers who's life really is swamped by requests from people that recognise their need to please and reluctance to say no and that seemingly 'happy to oblige' attitude. These people show the people pleasers no consideration by overly burdening them with requests. Thus no reason to always feel obliged to comply.
This need to say yes all the time can be a source of stress and anxiety and can even lead to illness. If you know someone who you like to ask a lot of, consider whether they really want to do this for you or whether they just feel uncomfortable saying no. If it is the latter then think of other ways to meet your needs without over burdening them. Perhaps if you express your needs they may offer their help but do not hint at needing it as this is again pressure on them to make the offer.
Good luck with your freedom from being a 'yes' person.
LeahG Artist and Designer
Leah left the retail and health management world a few years ago to become a freelance writer and artist. She now enjoys creating funky vibrant cartoons and illsutrations for websites, promotional materials and as gifts. Leah would love to illustrate her own children's books in the future. Presently she is creating cartoon and cartoon mascots for business clients.
Visit LeahG's Cartoon and Illustration Services website here for updates and latest art work.
Leah left the retail and health management world a few years ago to become a freelance writer and artist. She now enjoys creating funky vibrant cartoons and illsutrations for websites, promotional materials and as gifts. Leah would love to illustrate her own children's books in the future. Presently she is creating cartoon and cartoon mascots for business clients.
Visit LeahG's Cartoon and Illustration Services website here for updates and latest art work.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)I can say no, but it isn't always easy and I tend to go the "thousand reasons why not" route. And...I did decide to leave a comment before I came to the end of your article. Really.Your article is well written and offers some very excellent strategies. I am going to put it in my favorites so that I may refer to it often.Thanks for the insight,DianneThanks Diane
I do actually want people to comment, so I will have to remove that last remark of mine :)
I can relate to the thousand answers route, I did a very bad job a while back of refusing a good friend of a huge favor. I said yes, then said but, but but with barious reasons why I couldn't deliver completely, then I eventually found another dozen reasons to say no. I felt very ashamed of myself. It would have been much easier for her and me if I said (as I was caught off guard) 'let me give it some thought and get back to you' - thus preparing her for a no, but letting her know it was worth my consideration. Then I should have just said 'I can't manage that right now with my existing commitments and promptly changed the subject'.
The problem is with this friend she would ask me to detail those commitments! In this case we have to go the rule about 'is this person considering me' and realising here we have someone who is being a little pushy and we should feel more relaxed about saying no without elaborating further.
I think I will fare better next time, now I am better prepared. I think it was that situation which made me look really hard at learning how to say no without the drama.
Good luck with shortening your no's! :)
Great article CB! Now let me comment...or should I do that on your blog? Hehehe. One year I decided that I would learn to say no for my birthday. It took time but, I have learned to do so without offense and guilt. You made excellent points there. The one I seem to bother the most when I say no would be my two year old grandson who is sleeping now. :-)Well done on achieving what is a very difficult challenge. You are forgiven for an area of weakness with the little one. They have special gifts in the art of persuasion.Tell me that's not the truth!! He is excellent and saying please with a big cute smile. Definitely an area of weakness, I must concede.
Very Strategic and well studied article. Aka! (I hope you won't mind for addressing you in your own name) your article has helped me somuch and will be helpful & useful to many more readers. I'll seriously send this article to my family members and friends who suffer from a disease called 'YES' (as they can't say NO).I will have to learn more from your other articles as I myself is a counselor. God Bless you abundantly.That's great, thank you. We all hope when we write in an advisory capacity someone can benefit and curiously in writing the author benefits too in so many ways. Dr Rick has left a comment on my blog which adds an additional self help point, which is very useful, which is that when deciding whether we have to say 'yes' we should consider whether this may then result in us having to say 'no' to something else and we should weigh up our priorities regarding these two activities. Though I suspect the people pleasers amongst us would struggle and try to manage both tasks which is when things become too much and we feel stressed and over loaded and sometimes resentful.
Anyway, the point I am making is, I am learning too as a result of writing this article. :)
Hi CBI think how comfortable or otherwise we are with saying "no" reflects our own self esteem. Could it be that we are attracted to people who can say "no" quietly but firmly, because their strong self esteem is what is attractive, even sexy?Many thanks for exploring this important question.Jonathan (managing to say "no" after 55 years!)I think you are probably correct here Jonathan! Thanks for your comments :)
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