Why Being Lonely Can Throttle the Life Out of a Marriage
Posted: Sunday, April 27, 2008
by LeahG Artist
Cartoon & Illustration Services
Whether you are male or female, if you are lonely and isolated within that relationship with the only real adult company being that of your spouse then the effects can be catastrophic.
Let us imagine you are stay at home mum, devoting all your time and attention to your children, doing all that society demands of you and then some. You are cleaner, cook, nurse and devoted wife and lover but something is amiss.
You may for example resent the fact your husband works 12 hours a day. Now despite those long, tedious, life sucking hours spent in grueling physical labor or at the office, your view is that he has a 'life'. He gets to socialize with colleagues inside and outside of work, exchange witty banter, have intelligent dialog, and a change of scenery. While for you the scenery consists of just four walls and it never changes.
When your husband comes home, he's tired and needs to zone out. He'll plop down in front of the TV with the News on and a paper, maybe he'll ask for a beer while he waits for you to bring him that home cooked meal. The children know to be quiet, but respectfully give him some pamper time. He is the daytime absent daddy so he is favorite! You on the other hand have had several hours of children whining, refusing to co-operate and he has angels for whom butter would not melt.
It's so unfair!
So when he comes home, this built up resentful and frustration may overspill into a tirade of nagging, or silence. He should know why you are upset right?
How might your husband view this situation?
He might think to himself: 'I work 12 hours a day, never get a minute to myself to do what I want to do, come home, to a nagging wife who wants me to help with the kids and ask about her day. Her day which consists of what exactly? Sitting about, watching daytime tv, playing with the kids. I never get to spend quality time with my kids..she can go shopping, spend my money, see her friends.'
It's so unfair!
The feelings of resentment and jealousy can run both ways.
So what can you do to stop feeling negative about your spouse? Talking is the obvious answer, less obvious is trying to wear the others shoes occasionally even if only for a single day once a year! Perhaps on that day, the man can take care of the house and children so he can fully appreciate what is involved and that it is not all fun and daytime TV.
Perhaps the woman can try to get more involved in her husbands work, show an interest, ask about his day, the stresses the strains and see if she can help.
They need to find a way of enjoying quality time together and this need not be at any great expense. Invest in a sitter for an evening now and then, it's a worth while investment. Your marriage is worth investing in!
Meanwhile, both parties if feeling isolated and lonely should make a concentrated effort to change that. It is not healthy for one person to be the center of our universe, so having friends is very important. Friends you can moan to instead of your spouse, share a few laughs with.
Stay at home mums can find groups in their area perhaps do some voluntary work. If your children are young take them to a playgroup or coffee morning that allows small children. Even a couple of hours a week is enough to make you realize the world is larger than your four walls.
Take care of each other and think about how the other might be viewing the same situation!
LeahG Artist and Designer
Leah left the retail and health management world a few years ago to become a freelance writer and artist. She now enjoys creating funky vibrant cartoons and illsutrations for websites, promotional materials and as gifts. Leah would love to illustrate her own children's books in the future. Presently she is creating cartoon and cartoon mascots for business clients.
Visit LeahG's Cartoon and Illustration Services website here for updates and latest art work.
Leah left the retail and health management world a few years ago to become a freelance writer and artist. She now enjoys creating funky vibrant cartoons and illsutrations for websites, promotional materials and as gifts. Leah would love to illustrate her own children's books in the future. Presently she is creating cartoon and cartoon mascots for business clients.
Visit LeahG's Cartoon and Illustration Services website here for updates and latest art work.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Good advice, CB. My husband and I have made it a point to go on regular dates. Sometimes is was only to feed the ducks at a neighborhood lake, but it was our time of no kids allowed and greatly reduced responsibilites. That alone made all the difference.
Creative a really good article but in reverse for me. As you might know. I'm a shut in taking care of two sick elderly woman. Now my typical day out is to the mail box and back. I do get a little of what you said at times becuase well my wife gets to socialize at work, after hours, with work related events and friends, while I get to watch the kids [the two mothers] . Now when she is home she is tired, has too much to do around the house ong and we rearely sit and talk any longer. The two kids compete for her attention and our moments together are our 30 minute trips to the grocery store. Through all this we survive and really have a good relationship. Jealeous, sure. Retirement, wealth, the good life, yea right. I do love your writing though. Keep it up. PS I just had to vent a little.
I like the article. BUT what happens when your spouse feels he works and thats all he needs to do. As far as showing love, attention and romance. He has in the past so that counts for something. Now I'm wondering do I look for love attention and romance elsewhere? And still stay married! After all I still love him and I dont want a divorce.
Very confused and lonelyPam, try to tell him how you feel. Men like this often don't listen till it's too late, offer him the chance first to know how desperate you feel and what you are contemplating.
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